A woman that doesn’t trust women for whatever reason, cannot trust herself because she is also a woman.’ This said by a man, one of my mentors Marc David.
She won’t trust her emotions, intuition, desires, femininity, sexuality, appetite and more.
She won’t be able to love and accept the person she is because she can’t trust herself or women around her. Often times she is critical of her body and not accepting of her physical form – always looking to morph and perfect it. This reinforces the toxicity of her beliefs that women cannot be trusted and that being perfect is a way to achieve her goals. Goals that may not even belong to her but that have been created by the expectations and needs she believes others have of her.
For years I was this woman or girl rather. I had been bullied by girls and boys in school. I didn’t feel safe in my group of friends often being ridiculed for everything from my sense of style to my crushes or the answers on a test. I was teased for my overly feminine form and put down for being athletic at the same time. I was sexualized by classmates as early as the age of 12 often coming home crying from school. I can still recall their comments – laughing at how my chest bounced as I ran.
Thankfully that was before the times of smart phones and wifi where today our youth’s daily torture is following them home and just a click away.
It got so bad that I turned on myself. A deep rooted seed had begun to sprout. Not a flower but a rancid weed. I constantly repeated: I’m not good enough.
This weed grew for years. I wanted to hide. So I would binge on food to hide behind fat and larger, baggy clothing. I wanted to feel invisible. So I stopped voicing my opinions and joined the herd. I also wanted to fit in so I dieted and took fat burners to offset my binge eating beginning at 16. I hated my body with such intense emotion that it became an obsession.
At a time in life that should feel joyous, exploratory and full of every emotion at its highest highs felt empty, sad and full of self-hate. I had no confidence and often changed my clothes so many times before settling on an outfit unable to confidently select something from my closet.
I’m so thankful for my strong family ties because it was them who supported me and pushed positive messages my way during this time. It was they who would not allow my spirit to be extinguished. They encouraged my passions in art, teaching, the outdoors and more. It was they who always reminded me of my own beauty and uniqueness whether I chose to believe it in the moment or not.
I moved through life making decisions based on what others expected or wanted. I all but killed my own intuition and ignored my desires. I was not to trust myself. That rancid, overgrown weed reminded me: I’m not good enough.
It wasn’t until University and beyond that I started to heal. I took courses, found different friends, lived in different cities and grew my sources for information. I was healing unknowingly and in round about ways. This was not a linear path but at least I was moving forward.
Once I became a mom I felt a force grow within so powerful that I just could not ignore it. I knew I needed to set a very different example. I needed to be a woman of confidence, self-assured and filled with love for myself and others. I needed to heal the rest of my wounds and finally remove the rancid weed of ‘I’m not good enough’.
Most of my body morphing and desire to alter my physical form came from hating that particular body part or shape. It wasn’t until I started to accept my body for what it could do and how it supported me in life that I could learn to love my shape as it was. As the hate melted away love replaced it. The shape I so desired followed much more quickly there after.
Then I began to dig deep in search of my own intuition. My inner voice, ignored for so long. It was weak, tired and quiet. I began to listen. I began to follow it. I began to trust it even though I was scared and sometimes I misunderstood it’s true message. I persisted.
My voice, now strong. My confidence is built upon this intuition. It guides me and my desires are often fulfilled. I’m now growing at an unbelievable pace but remain thankful for the lessons and times that voice was quiet because it gives me compassion for others.
If this resonates. It’s time to heal and move towards taking small risks every day. Listening to the voice inside, begin to love what is as you grow into your desired shape, following through on anything you say you want. These are all the steps I took over the years. I just did them unknowingly.
All steps towards building self-trust, self-acceptance, dropping into relaxation, and longer term drawing in other women who can be trusted by you because you now trust yourself.
Ps for more on trusting yourself and where this can lead check out my latest vlog.